Why Stepmoms Have to Let Go of Control — Meet Bonnie
According to the Pew Research Center, 40% of new marriages in 2013 were between couples in which one partner had been previously married. Blended families aren’t just common, they’re normal, and make up a significant percentage of the population in the US.
But being a mother to a child you didn’t give birth to isn’t always easy, and we learned from one Joovy Stepmom just how hard of a role it can be to play.
Bonnie is a stepmom to her six and a half-year-old son Oliver, and biological mother to her one-year-old daughter Charlie. To her though, they’re both her children.
“I never thought my heart would have changed as dramatically as it has since becoming a mother and stepmom,” she says.
“My passion pre-kids was napping and riding my Harley wherever and whenever I wanted. Now I look forward to daily walks with the kids, backyard playing and competitive handball games— which I would like to add I do not lose.”
But when you’re not the only mother in the picture, what does being a stepmom look like?
“It takes a lot of biting your tongue and letting go of control. I find that I get more emotionally invested in situations that I have no control over.”
Finding Peace and Letting Go of Control
Stepmoms face a tough predicament: on the one hand, they need to bond with their stepchildren, which can be an emotional and challenging process for blended families on its own. To complicate matters further though, they also have to coparent alongside of a biological mother part-time, who may or may not be supportive of the stepmom’s new role in her child’s life.
“Being a stepmom is the most thankless role, and it’s very disheartening. Not to mention the struggle of consistency in parenting between multiple households,” says Bonnie.
Stepparents who find themselves in these new roles are often torn between trying to bond with their new child and trying to be respectful of the biological parent. The result is a stressful situation and a lot of walking on eggshells, but Bonnie tries not to let it get to her.
“Being a step-mom there are endless situations in which you are powerless. I always give it to God and pray for discernment and direction.”
The art of letting go and holding on loosely is something Bonnie works on every day as she attempts to raise her children together with her husband, and it’s a balance thousands of other stepmoms in the US face alongside of her.
Making the Most of a Difficult Situation
There’s no roadmap for this situation, and moms like Bonnie will tell you, it takes a lot of going with the flow to master the art of contentment as a stepmom.
But Bonnie is full of optimism, in spite of her challenges, and encourages other moms to keep their heads up.
“My biggest [piece of] advice would be to take it one day at a time, and in the midst of a hard season, to never make a permanent decision based off a temporary emotion.”
We asked Bonnie what kind of mother she aspired to be to her children.
“My 16 year old self would never believe that my now 35 year old self is saying this, but if I could be anything like my own mother, I would be an amazing mother. I may cry even saying that. Ultimately, I aspire to be a mom that inspires, provides, protects and selflessly gives her whole life to give her child the best life filled with love.”
And that’s what it’s all about — not whose blood runs in your children’s veins, but that you would do anything for them. THAT’S what makes a mother.
What does Bonnie want for Mother’s Day?
“If I could get a day tantrum-free, I would call that the best day ever. [But] since kids are so unpredictable, I would be happy with a few hours of sunshine, a cheese board that I don’t have to share, and a glass of wine.”
