We may be moms, but we’re not dead — most of us, at one point or another, really liked sex.

But then kids happened, and between the sleep regressions and c-sections, somewhere along the way, a surprising number of us have just lost our mojo.

It’s not bad or wrong to choose a few minutes of extra sleep or an episode of Game of Thrones over late-night nookie when the kids go to bed.

But a lot of the time, it’s really not a choice.

For the thousands of women in the US who struggle to want to get busy after baby, there have to be more answers. There has to be more than ‘welcome to parenting’.

Because seriously, we all want to want sex again.

To get to the bottom of it, we spoke with sex expert Domina Franco, who says that a mother’s lack of interest in sex might be exacerbated by hormones, but there’s a lot more in play here.

 

 

Meet Domina — Coach, Sexpert, Former Semi-Pro Wrestler

Domina Franco is a New York City-based sex educator, coach, and writer who has been studying human sexuality for over twenty years. She helps clients of all genders and orientations clarify, explore, and enhance their sex lives. She guests lectures at universities around the country and provides one-on-one coaching, as well as training and workshops that cover pleasure exploration, empowerment, kink, and alternative relationship models.

Learn More About Domina

 

 

How common would you say libido-related problems are for your clients?

Domina: Shifts or changes in libido are incredibly common. Shifts in libido can be momentary or contextual based on medical issues or general life stress, but the added challenges and demands of parenthood often compound those.

 

 

How many of those cases typically involve parents?

Domina: It’s more common than not for exhausted parents to put sex on the backburner simply because they have to prioritize other things in their day-to-day. This is true of all types of parents and guardians — folks who have had their own kids, those who have adopted or are fostering. It’s important to consider that this can affect all types of caregivers to children.

In your opinion, what’s the most common reason for a loss of libido in postpartum women – hormonal changes, being ‘touched out’, or just plain exhaustion?

 

Domina: I believe they all play off each other to varying degrees. I don’t think there is one particular reason because each person who gives birth to a child is so different based on their own emotional, mental, physical, or biological factors.

Some people may experience significant hormonal changes but still have skin hunger and want to be touched. Some folks may have hormonal levels in relative balance but be so sick of being touched and maybe incredibly sleep-deprived. There is no one size fits all reasoning.

It’s most important for folks to understand that however this is manifesting for them is okay. There is no shame in feeling the way they feel.

 

What do you think of the ‘just do it anyway’ advice that’s sometimes given – is that good advice?

Domina: That is absolutely TERRIBLE advice! It’s one thing to decide to “rally” if it’s your choice, you’re not being pressured and you feel that you’ll get into it once things heat up. It’s another thing entirely to “just do it anyway” when that’s motivated by outside factors such as pressure from a partner or social expectations.

You don’t even have to have sex. Having sex out of obligation can breed feelings of sadness, resentment, and anger, and can actually make you feel more disconnected from your body and your desire.

Additionally, having sex when you don’t want to confuses your partner. It doesn’t give them the opportunity to know what’s authentically happening for you so you can actually have connective sex when you do engage physically. Anything where you are covering up how you feel, numbing out, or operating from a place of obligation, is not a great idea.

 

What are some of the ways you’ve helped your postpartum clients get ‘back in the saddle’?

Domina: I believe it’s a good practice for the person who has just given birth to set the pace. Sometimes people need a reminder that they can set a boundary and do things on their own terms. They are the ones who just did this miraculous thing of growing and bringing a whole new human being into the world! They deserve the opportunity to take the time they need to adjust physically, emotionally, and mentally before they engage in sexual activity again.

Sexual expression is so varied based on personal upbringing and cultural backgrounds. Starting slowly and with their pleasure being prioritized is a great way to “get back in the saddle”. Each person will have their own level of comfort or way they enjoy being sexually intimate.

I always advise postpartum clients to think about what they would enjoy, what might feel good, and what would be relaxing or rejuvenating, because they are often going to find themselves exhausted from their duties as new parents.

The next step is to communicate that list like it’s a menu to their partner. Then the partner can mix and match what’s being suggested. Think about it like it’s a really sexy tapas menu! This can be a fun and lighthearted way to reconnect with a partner after the birth of a child and it ensures the person who just gave birth isn’t the one pouring the majority of the energy into supporting the sexual side of the relationship.

 

Why do you feel sex is so important for parents?

Domina: Becoming a parent is notoriously one of the most physically and psychologically stressful transitions most people experience in life. Sex — and even sensuality that isn’t primarily sexual — releases oxytocin which calms, connects, and makes the vast majority of people feel good. While I don’t think orgasms should always be the end goal in sex, they do release tension and help you sleep better. I’ve never heard of a new parent that doesn’t need better sleep!  

3 Simple Tips for Prioritizing Sex When You Have Kids

 

#1 — Communicate your sleep needs

Nothing turns a new mom off like having to choose between sleep and sex (sorry guys). Moms, it’s up to you to make it clear to your partner when you want to be in bed for SLEEP, glorious sleep, and when you’re down to get busy. Make it clear, establish that boundary — and don’t feel bad for keeping it.

 

#2 — Do it before Netflix

I know you’ve been waiting for this moment all day — the moment nobody needs a graham cracker, nobody’s crying, and nobody’s pulling your hair and drooling on your shoulder. I know it’s the season finale, and you NEED to turn off your brain.

And that’s cool if you need to do that, but don’t delude yourself — you WILL be too tired for sex after you Netflix. If it’s a priority to you, get it done early, or risk not getting it done at all.

 

#3 — Decide what makes you feel sexy, and go for it

Here’s the deal: sex is REALLY difficult to get into after kids. If you struggle with it, you’re not alone. But a good sex life can cover a lot of ground in a marriage that barely gives you a date night out every month.

If having your hair done makes you feel sexy, go for it. If leggings and a mom bun do it for you, rock that like you’re Beyonce. Make feeling sexy your first priority, and sex will have a way of sneaking to the top of your to-do list, all the way to to-done.

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Spill it, moms — how have you been able to get your sex drive back after baby?