First comes love. Then comes marriage. Then comes the baby in the baby carriage… this little rhyme was embedded in my mind from a very young age.  I literally grew up thinking this was how life was meant to be… then I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Pregnancy after breast cancer is such a touchy subject! For so many of us, we have been told that our bodies may be too damaged from the medicines that have been used to save our lives. Many of us have been told that our chances of natural fertility are slim to none. We’ve been instructed with egg retrievals and shot after shot of fertility medications to stimulate our ovaries for that very important egg drop would give us a chance to preserve our fertility after chemo. Some of us aren’t able to keep our lady parts due to a higher risk of recurrence or simply that cancer has spread! Many of us have gene abnormalities that we are fearful will pass down to our children. Almost all of us face the fear day after day that our cancer will come back if we even think of going off our hormone-blocking medications.

To all my breasties out there who are facing infertility, fertility anxiety, motherhood, and cancer, or pregnancy post-cancer… I promise you, you are not alone! Whichever journey you are traveling, there are plenty of women in the world living a story similar to yours. YOU are never alone! The beauty of social media is that it provides us a chance to connect and find each other! Don’t use social media for jealousy, to promote negativity, to poke fun about someone’s differences… but use it to find someone else like you! Who you can relate to! Who you can talk to! 

My name is Meghan

I am 32 years old and was diagnosed with ER/PR+ HER2- Breast Cancer at 26 years young in 2015. I have a PALB2 gene mutation and a 40% chance of recurrence in my breast, pancreas, or ovaries. My cancer was aggressive and spread to my lymph nodes before I was even diagnosed. I’ve been through egg retrieval, chemotherapy, radiation, a double mastectomy, four breast reconstructions, and endless smaller surgeries to fight this awful disease and get back to living my young life! 

From the day I was diagnosed, I refused to let cancer change my destiny. I set my foot down, decided I would fight, and make all my dreams a reality. I was prepared for it to be hard… I was not prepared for how hard it actually was…. and with decision after decision that I have been forced to make- it just made thriving that much more difficult.

For me, I’ve always dreamt of being a mom. Whenever I was little, I would always play the teacher or the mom amongst my sisters and Barbies. I love kids. I have chosen to dedicate my life as a Pediatric Occupational Therapist to help children become as independent as possible on a daily basis! When my doctors explained to me that motherhood may never happen for me naturally because of chemo… I felt like a part of my being was gone forever.  How was I supposed to be a wife when my lady parts are broken? Isn’t that one of the main reasons people get married, to have babies? What was my husband, who wants nothing more than to coach his kids in sports, going to do?

My husband and I looked at all our options and decided to give natural conception a try.  It was “risky” given that I would have to go off my hormone-blocking medications, which in essence keep hormones out of my body if a cancer cell would still be present. However, the reward outweighed the risks in my eyes.  In June 2017, two years after active treatments, I made the decision to go off of my medications and hope and pray that my body would respond.  We pushed our greatest fears of a potential recurrence in the back of our minds and refused for cancer to take anything else away from our dreams. It was our time!  We worked closely with my oncologist and reproductive specialists to come up with a plan.  We agreed to wait 6 months and if we were unable to conceive within that time frame, then we would explore our options for fertility assistance.

The “Normal” Things

Then, in early December 2017, I noticed some cramping.  I refused to get too excited, but… exactly 6 months (practically to the day) from going off all my medications, I woke up to my first menstruation cycle in two and a half years!  It actually brought tears to my eyes and I remember being so excited to tell my husband “I got my period!” I know, not the most “normal” of things to be excited about, but that’s what cancer does!  It was a week before one of my many breast reconstructive surgeries, so my husband and I decided to not become too obsessed with ovulation testing and fertility apps knowing my surgery was only a week away and I would need to heal so I could have a healthy body when the time was right for us to try.  

After a long month of healing and holidays, January 2018 came and I was heartbroken because I hadn’t had another cycle. It was so painful that I didn’t have the words to even tell my husband the truth… that my body had failed me again. I made an appointment with my reproductive specialist to run tests and come up with our alternative plan. We had been looking into IVF, surrogacy, and adoption because we knew that if the natural route wasn’t an option, we wouldn’t give up on our dream of being parents.  After multiple tests, I received a phone call from an awe-struck fertility specialist.  They called to tell me that I “may” have missed my cycle because lab work shows that I’m pregnant!

To our surprise, we were able to naturally conceive our first miracle daughter Kendra Jane (who we named after my oncologist who in essence saved my life) in 2018.  Our prayers were answered and we were loving the journey of being parents.  Around Kendras 1st birthday, when “our baby” wasn’t really a baby anymore, we knew our hearts had more love to give.  I discussed it with my oncologist who then gave me the okay to pause my medications for a second time to attempt at another pregnancy.  Our second blessing Kenzie Marie (named after my little sister) was born in 2020 mid pandemic- talk about a crazy ride!

Five Years Later

Coming up on 5 years “cancer-free”, I still deal with residual effects of my cancer journey that affect me “being a mom”.  Physically, undergoing my bilateral mastectomies and 4 additional reconstructive surgeries (the most recent being only a few months ago) is HARD.  Nothing prepares you for not being able to pick up your crying baby in the middle of the night, depending on friends and family to help, or the inability for your crazy toddler to jump or tug on you when they don’t understand that mommy has to heal.  Physically lifting my kids is hard but what is even more difficult is that they don’t snuggle up and fall asleep on my chest because my implants are rather hard. My kids have never fallen asleep in my arms because my chest is so uncomfortable and I simply can’t hold them to make them comfortable- which is heartbreaking. Breastfeeding was not even an option, so when they’re rooting reflex and head snuggles against my breasts- I have to push those natural feelings of using my body to provide for them, and run to prepare a bottle.  I’ve grown accustomed to ways to adapt my “mommy”. I use my creativity and education of being an Occupational Therapist to adapt things to make life easier for me and fun for them!

My Words of Wisdom

Today, I would like to encourage anyone who is unable to naturally conceive to never give up hope. Use today to wipe those tears from your eyes and write out a plan. There are TONS of ways to give your love to a child. You may not be offered an “easy” path but you will find your way! You will do what you have to and your child will find you! Never underestimate a pet mom, because you NEVER know the truth or whole story to their childbearing journey.  STOP asking WHEN people are going to have a baby- it’s none of your business unless they chose to discuss it with you.  And to all the moms deep into motherhood…breathe, because I know it is hard work! Hold on tight to those kiddos because somewhere there is someone who would do anything to have a child of their own.